can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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