The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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