Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
