this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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