well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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