i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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