Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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