I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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