my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize