Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
