whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
