Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
