i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
