i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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