your parents love me but you hate me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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