There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
