o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
