She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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