My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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