My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
