I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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