She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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