you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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