brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
