I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
