I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
