I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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