he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
