I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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