My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
