I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize