I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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