So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
