so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize