wakey wakey hands off snakey
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
