I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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