How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
