I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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