my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
