nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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