I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
MIDGETS
????
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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