i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
