it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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