6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
