Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
