I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
smell my finger.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
