ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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