So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize