Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
