she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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