if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
