we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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