you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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