Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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