Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
