It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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