Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
