He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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