Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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