I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
