the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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