I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
