she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
