I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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